|
|
|
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts
CATHOLIC DOG
Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on Lena one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Lena had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Lena," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold or flu all winter."
Funny church signs!!!
CHURCH PARKING LOT - FOR MEMBERS
ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!
"No God - No Peace. Know God -
Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The
work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement
benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to
take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Looking at the way some people
live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count
sheep.
Talk to the Shepherd."
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "'Don't Despair' paid 80-to-1."
A FUNERAL SERVICE
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet... He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet... After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house... He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him... He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet... This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet... He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting: "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!"
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Catholic: None. Candles only. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad. Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was. Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it. Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Church of Christ: None. They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament. Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Amish: What's a light bulb?
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............AND he left it there all night.
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for months until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied,"every week my son sends me money,and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you? "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
A little prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept. And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember..... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to tick me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the sucker in the mouth!
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no representative of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least seventy years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the old man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind New York's Catholic Church, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the old man over to where the dying man lay. The man kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
The Pope just signed a new law as of July 1st. It's a NO SMOKING LAW in the Vatican. This includes all Cardinals and Bishops. If discovered, the Vatican Police will fine them $30. The only complaint heard was: "GREAT, NOW WHAT DO WE DO AFTER SEX?"
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.. his three cats... in the bathtub. The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled. The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony." But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face. Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm-they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. With the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!" "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the doctor aside, the old man sprang upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant!
Fish and Chips Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk."
Playboy Magazine just announced huge financial losses. Experts say nudity doesn't sell like it use to. Playboy's decline is expected to continue until God invents some new body parts.
EVERYTHING I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 1. Plan ahead—it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark. 2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something really big. 3. Don’t listen to critics—do what has to be done. 4. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs. 5. Two heads are better than one. 6. Speed isn’t always an advantage—the cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. 7. Take care of your animals—as if they were the last ones on earth. 8. Don’t forget we’re all in the same boat. 9. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain...shovel! 10. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. 11. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side. 12. Build your future on high ground. 13. When you’re stressed, float awhile. 14. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside. 15. DON’T MISS THE BOAT!
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asked the clerk? “Type?” inquires the man, “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.” Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist bra. Which one would you prefer?” Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.”
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them...they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?' So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked,” What religion do you think we are? "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." "We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that water what we are?.....Why, we're Pisscopalians."
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night: "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Minister replied, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. " You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock thedoor of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Boston, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in Texas now. It's a local call."
My appetite is my shepherd. I shall not want. It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.When the table is spreadeth before me, it exciteth me, For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in. As I fillith my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller. Surely, bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life And I will be fat forever.
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
JESUS AND SATAN'S CYBER BATTLE Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better. Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
While staggering down the main street of town, a drunk somehow managed
WHICH BUS AM I ON?
WHERE's THE "BC"?
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little
boy
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners
WHOPPERS
A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my
If Religion Dealt With Toys
|
