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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place too," answers Superman.. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio

 

 

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a
'Post Turtle''.. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
'post turtle'.


The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up
there to begin with'.

 

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and itstarted to sink, who would be saved? .... America!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

 

Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by the either party in the 2008 election year.
 

Health Care

Japanese doctor says," Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a
kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take
half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind.
We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then
half the country will be out looking for work."
 

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

 

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at
the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies,

"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his
trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie
this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how
rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,"
and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........

"It's pronounced 'quiche'."
 

Hillary's Indian Name

They say it's a true story ...

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The

American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ...She spoke

for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native

American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first

female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES"

for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the

Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic

about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a

plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A

news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to

select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of

shit it can no longer fly.
 

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
 for a living. All the typical answers came up-- fireman, mechanic,
 businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth, but little Justin
 was being uncharacteristically quiet.
 
 When the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father is an
 exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
 other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer
 is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for
 money."
 
 The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
 children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
 him, "Is that really true about your father?"
 
 "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
 is helping to secure the 2008 nomination of Hillary Clinton, ...but I was too
 embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Didja hear about the best-selling bumper sticker?

 
It says, "Run, Hillary, Run!"
 
Democrats paste it to their rear bumper.  Republicans put it on the front...

There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

The National Weather Service has issued a **Warning** for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Charley, Francis, Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore very highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one can cause the most catastrophic damage to the United States that we can experience in four years.

They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry.

Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS May 23, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation that provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"

said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.

"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing," said Kerry.

President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside
Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a
visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad
publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and
the like.

We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if
during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.

Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his
homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit.
He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a
Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy,
John Kerry is a saint."
 

PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?

Titanic or the Clinton Grand Jury Testimony Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit

CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life

CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary

Why did Bill Clinton buy Hillary Clinton an electric broom? ...So she can get to work faster...

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified that they couldn't remember anything.

Future historians will be able to study at . . . the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

 

A few days after George W. Bush’s inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said “I’d like to see President Clinton.” The Marine politely answered “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president”. The man said, “Oh, OK.” and walked away. The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president.” Again the man answered, “Oh, OK” and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, by now a little annoyed, said “Sir, I’ve told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don’t you understand that?” “Yes, I do” said the man, “But I just enjoy hearing it.” The Marine smiled and said, “See you tomorrow.”

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a

spectacular looking blonde and a big, awful looking woman.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark

tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they

leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

 

 

The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by

mistake he must have put his hand on the big woman, who in turn must

have slapped his face."

 

 

The big woman thought, "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on

the blonde and she smacked him."

 

 

Bill Clinton thought, "George put

his hand on that blonde and by accident she slapped me."

 

 

George W. Bush thought, "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can

slap Clinton again."

WHY I'M SO TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, Iron poor blood, and a lack of exercise, but now I found out the real reason: we're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces, Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes............

 

Ten Times in History ...when using the "F" word was appropriate...

10."What the *&%# was that?"-Mayor of Hiroshima

9."Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?"-Custer

8."Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that."-Einstein

7."It does SO *&%#ing look like her!"-Picasso

6."How the *&%# did you work that out?"-Pythagoras

5."You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?"-Michaelangelo

4."I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain."-Joan of Arc

3."Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!"-Noah

2."I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"-JFK

1."Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?"-Bill Clinton

 

ANYONE CAN BE A DEMOCRAT!!

 

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate. 1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. 7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. 8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. 17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House. 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States

 

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent commercial flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen Cuban whore, than let liquor touch these lips."

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," said the woman. "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded. "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!

Future Florida bumper sticker: Don't blame me, I think I might have voted for Gore!

How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. No, 17, wait, 348. Uh, could I tell you in a couple of days?

See, if the old folks in Florida could have afforded their medication, they wouldn't have gotten confused about the ballots.

Let me get this straight. These folks in Palm Beach can flawlessly track 10 Bingo cards at once, but can't find a hole at the end of an arrow on their ballot?

Maybe more people would understand the Electoral College if it had a football team.

WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS:

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by William J.Clinton

 

 

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.


When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied:
"I don't know, I never had one."


Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time?" Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."


American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of crap he can't fly.



Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."

 

 

One night a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying
somewhere above
New Jersey. There were 5 people on board: The pilot, Michael
Jordan, Hillary
Clinton, the Pope, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal
oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the
passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot
burst into the
compartment.

"Ladies & Gentlemen, I have good news & bad news. The bad
news is we're
about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there
are 4 parachutes
and I have one of them." With that, the pilot threw open
the door & jumped
from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Hey guys" he
said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I
think the world's
greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these
words, he grabbed one of
the remaining parachutes & hurtled through the door and into
the night.

Hillary Clinton rose & said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's
smartest woman.
The world needs smart women to lead all you little people,
because you miserable
scum do not have the brains to do so. The world's smartest
woman should have a
parachute too." She grabbed one, and out she jumped.

The Pope and the hippie looked at one another. Finally the
Pope spoke,
"My son, I have lived a satisfying life & have known the
bliss of the True
God every day at Mass. You have your life ahead of you.
You take the last
parachute and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, Mr.
Pope. we still
have 2 parachutes, the smartest woman in the world just
jumped out with
my backpack."

 

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard
crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they
say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.


Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary‘s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin’s to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.

They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the President."

Chris Waage

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