Nerd Jokes

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now ! monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain abou t.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER --------------------------

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flue! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash

and the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your stiuation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

God is seriously angry one day and decides to destroy the earth and
all mankind. He claps his hands, and in a puff of sweet smelling smoke
appear Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.

"I've had it with all of you!" God booms. "I am giving you each one
week to go back, and warn your people!" With another clap of his hands, all
three of them disappear.

Upon returning, Bill Clinton immediately calls his cabinet. "I have
some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God...the
bad news is that he is going to destroy the world in one week!"

Meanwhile, in Russia, Boris Yeltsin is having a similar conference
with his ministers of state. "I have bad new and worse news" he tells them.
"First, we were wrong ... there IS a God ... and second, he is very mad,and he
is going to destroy everything in one week!"

Strutting around on stage, Bill Gates speaks to all the employees in
Redmond. WA. "I have good news, and better news!" he tells his microsmurfs.
"First, God considers me one of the three most important people on
Earth! Second, we don't have to fix any of the bugs in Windows 98!"

Signs that a Coworker is a Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, ouh-pleeez!" 256 times during the movie, The Net.

4. Massive 401 k contributions made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.

2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overheard, "Good Morning,
Mr. President."

And the number one sign that your coworker is a computer hacker:

1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now,
Professor-I-Don't-Give-A's- In-Computer-Science."

You are a Computer Nerd if:

1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond
Stealth Video Card.

2. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you can

remember your wife's maiden name.

3. You sit in front of the TV...trying to type at a keyboard.

4. You find out that hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're
on the 'Net.

5. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for
SUPPER.COM.

6. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

7. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are
getting shorter and less frequent.

8. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

9. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't
help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

10. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not
tonight, I finally got connected".

11. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

12. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line
to your server.

13. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to
reserve for your Doctor.

14. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up
comedy like this.
Click here to return!