An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he grumbles. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?" "It was Momma Bear who got up first. It was Momma Bear who made the coffee. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set the table. It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish. It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house and now that you've decided to drag your sorry asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good cause I'm only going to say this one more time .......... I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a  parrot in a pet
store. She stops to admire the bird.

The parrot says to her, "Hey, lady! You are really ugly."

Well, she's furious! She storms past the store on to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon
seeing her says, "Hey, lady! You are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the
same parrot and once again it said, "Hey, lady! You are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to
sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized
profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,
"Hey, lady!"

She paused and said, "Yes?"

"You know."

 One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo in an attempt to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.  At first the mime thinks the zoo keeper will have him arrested, but then the zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.  He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime is desperate so he accepts.

  The next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. Soon the crowd comes, and he discovers that this is a great job. He can sleep whenever he wants, he can play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did when he performed as a mime.

   Time passes and eventually the crowds tire of him as a gorilla, and he also tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.  Not  wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across the partition between them, and dangles from the  top to the  lion's cage.

   Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.   Well, this goes on for some time.  The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

  Then one terrible day, while the mime is dangling over the furious
lion, he slips and falls into the lion pit. The mime is terrified.  He
doesn't stand a chance against the furious lion who is ready to pounce on the gorilla. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around and around in  the cage, and with the lion close behind, the mime starts screaming and  yelling, "Help me, Help me!! Somebody please help me!!"  But the lion is  quicker than the mime and he pounces on the mime, pinning him on the  ground.

The mime is now flat on his back, pinned under the lion, looking up at the angry beast who is staring him in the eyes.  Suddenly the lion blurts, "Shut up you idiot!   Do you want to get us both fired?"

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